Cucumber

27 May
There was cucumber in the sandwiches again. I don't know how many times
I've told them I don't like cucumber. How many times? I don't know. I
think they do it to spite me. To say, "Your request? What request? Who
are you? You are nobody. Here is your sandwich. Next!" Maybe they're
right. Who am I? I'm not real, sitting here now I don't feel quite
real. I'm nobody. Or rather, I am body. And pinpoint space looking out.
This world is a shell. I think I'll stop eating sandwiches altogether.
That'll show them!!

28 May
Had shepherd's pie for lunch today. It was not great. I never really
liked shepherd's pie actually, but now I realise that the way my mum
used to make it was much better. Than what I had for lunch I mean. No
cucumber in it though, not that anyone would think to put cucumber in
shepherd's pie. Celery maybe but not cucumber. I don't know how they
make it so gooey and stodgy, make the gravy thick like that. You have
to wonder what they put in it. I requested Soylent Green from the video
library but the clerk said they didn't have it. They didn't have
Delicatessen either, they never have any of the videos I ask for.
Sometimes I think they say they haven't got them just to spite me. "No,
we don't have that video. I have never heard of that video. One Flew
Over The Cuckoos Nest? No we don't have that. I didn't say I'd order it
in for you. Who are you? You are nobody. Please leave now without
making any trouble. Have a nice day." They are wrong. I read the book
once and it said on the jacket: 'now a major motion picture'.

30 May
I thought I was staying one step ahead. There was no shepherd's pie
today, but there was pizza. They had put cucumber on the pizza. Who
puts cucumber on pizza?!! I never saw cucumber on a pizza before.
Someone in the kitchen is doing it just to spite me I think. First the
sandwiches, then the pizza. That just left tuna salad, but I really
couldn't face that... mushed up fishy mayonnaise ooze. I had pizza and
picked the cucumber off. It left cucumber taste in the places it had
touched. It seems like everything is becoming tainted by
cucumber.

31 May
They are getting more cunning by the day. Apart from the tainted
sandwiches and other salad bar horrors, the usual hot meal slop had
been replaced by something altogether more appetizing. Like a fool I
believed their lies. "International theme week," they said. "Indian
theme today," they said. Lamb curry. Popadoms. Onion bhajis. Delicious
mint sauce. I tucked in and began to put my earlier concerns down to
paranoia. Dr Weiss did say I had to be on my guard against those
thoughts. Then, after our group sharing session, Deadeye Jackson was
staring blankly at the wall, like he usually does, when he started
reciting a bunch of recipes for indian food. Lamb curry. Popadoms.
Onion bhajis. Mint and cucumber yoghurt dip. Fuck! I puked right there
on the common room floor. Couldn't face anyone for the rest of the day,
fobbed the quacks off with a story and hid in my room. Sinister forces
are at work and for some reason the canteen is involved. I think
they're trying to spike my rehab, make me flip. I can see this lucidly
now, without a hint of paranoia.

1 June
Breakfast has always been safe - cornflakes and milk. I skipped it
today as a precaution however. By 11am I had a splitting headache and
my stomach was eating itself, neither of which I noticed particularly
beneath the mounting sense of dread I felt as lunchtime approached.
Then salvation arrived in the unlikely form of Curtis, the stoner
intern. I passed him some of my medication and in return he smuggled me
a Big Mac and fries. I didn't go near the canteen but instead ate
outside by the fountain. I should go there more often. By 3pm my
headache was driving me crazy (figuratively speaking) so I went to have
a lie down... which is when I found out once-and-for-all, beyond a
doubt, that someone was trying to mess with my head. There on my
pillow, arranged neatly, like those chocolate mints they put on your
pillow at fancy hotels, were three slices of cucumber. I stood there in
shock for a few moments, then strangely I felt very calm. I went
straight to the ward supervisor and explained what I'd found, thinking
myself very wise at the time for leaving out all the details which
could be considered purely circumstantial, sticking to the concrete
facts of my discovery. What a fool I was! I should have seen it, I'm an
intelligent man not some vegetable kook, but I was playing right into
their hands. So, of course, when we got back to my room there was no
trace of any cucumber. It's 4am, this is really a 2 June entry. I feel
lead-headed, tranqs wearing off. I am getting the private treatment
now.

2 June
The private treatment is not so bad. I am on a different wing. A
different cook perhaps or maybe, sensitive to my condition, they
prepare meals specially for me. This seems unlikely. But still, no
cucumber in my lunch today. I feel rested.

3 June
No cucumber again, things are looking up. Tedious therapy sessions as
usual, though less chatty than they used to be. To be honest Dr Weiss
seems, I don't know... almost like he's hurt. Like I let him down. Fuck
that! Before long he'll probably have me convinced I made the whole
thing up, that's how they operate, these fuckers. Kept asking me the
sort of shit they did when I first arrived. I made up a bunch of crap
to keep them guessing. Miss the wackos from the general ward.

4 June
Was eating dinner this evening when I suddenly realised... all the
meals I've had since I've been on this wing have had broccoli in them.
What's up with that?